Thursday, March 24, 2011

Random thought of reflection

This afternoon I was going through some stuff from high school and a thought occurred to me just how much if feels like a lifetime ago that I was back in high school, not really worried about the stresses of life and it made me think why that view has changed.

In some ways I guess it is because this is real life – duh! That would be the logical explanation but I think it is also because it shows how much we have grown up from those many lifetimes ago and have become the people we are today.

I know this does sound completely stupid and must seem as though I am “high” from whatever meds I am currently taking for my back pain issues, but it’s not really. In some ways I wish I could go back in time and relive my youth, do so many things differently to what I did, live a little more, explore new territories but that is just wishful thinking at the end of the day.

Ok so in some ways I am jealous of Doctor Who (copyright BBC Cyrmu – have to keep the legalities in just for extra protection) and his TARDIS (again copyright BBC Cyrmu) as he can go back in time and see things from a different light or hell, just go back to an hour ago and maybe do things differently but then where would the fun be in that (although would be even more fun if I had control of the TARDIS and his sonic screwdriver).

I know, I know, that really shows the inner doctor who nerd of me, but it’s true, think about it for a moment. I am sure most of you have felt the same in one way or another.

Though in most ways I am happy and glad of the person I have become today. Yeah sure there have been a few downs but there have been a few up or good points which have shaped who I am. I have a loving partner who I love and support very much, the love and support of my family and very close friends.

I guess in a way you could say that our past and our present make us who we are, never the same but always different.

Tough I still reckon it would be cool to go back in time and maybe have some fun causing havoc - don't you?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Back pain hell!!

Ok so this is going to be a blog that is somewhat very personal, but I thought it was worth sharing none the less.

A lot of people normally see a side of me, well a face that I put on, a happy one, but i am far from happy. Why you ask, well its because of my disability which I was born with and no before anyone asks, I don’t blame my parents.

I have been living with a lot of pain over the last couple of years. to explain in short I have Spina Bifida, however I have a rare case that is not common and the doctor have trouble trying to work out the best course of action as I have fatty/scar tissue wrapping around my spine causing all sorts of issues.

To explain more, I have had 4 back surgeries, one when i was 6 months old, then 4 and a half, 16 and 19 with the last one in 2003 having complications due to spinal fluid leakage in which it was advised by my previous neurosurgeon that another operation would not be a possibility because there is not enough skin to hold.

However in january this year, my new neurosurgeon has advised that he can operate and there are ways around/patches which can be used to stop spinal leakage from occurring, the only catch is that he is not able to guarantee if I will get better, stay the same or in fact get worse.


Well the problem is that with that fatty tissue, there is nerves running through such tissues and as they cut away the fatty tissue, they can cut or severely severe the nerves which could in fact lead to further problems. hence why the surgeon has stated it would be exploratory but they will try their best not to cause to much distress.

Now your probably even thinking why would I go ahead with the surgery when there are guarantees. Well that again is simple - I need to do something and try and see if it works or pays off. Yeah if it gets worse, it gets worse but it has to be better then what the current situation.

The current situation is that I am currently in Westmead Hospital since last Friday because of increased back[ain and complete weakness of my legs. Don’t get me wrong, I do use a wheelchair to get around in the community, but at home I generally use walking crutches or just hold on to things and try to walk.

I am over the pain right now and just want to see what may or may not happen if I have the surgery, the problem is the doctors are unable to do the surgery while I am in here which worries me a little.

To say the least the last 6 months or so have been so bad with back pain that, well I have wanted to do something which in all honesty would be a cowardly thing to do but when your living with so much pain it does become unbearable.

Yeah sure I am on pain medication but thats not really a long term viability. Something needs to be done and right now the only thing that could be at least some benefit if not no benefit at all is the surgery.

Again your wondering why I am telling you this and the truth is, I wanted to go, well pubic and say that if you are living with back pain or problems alike, then you certainly aren’t alone.

I just hope that things improve soon if not the wheels are put fully in motion for this surgery to happen because I am just over all this pain!!

I would like to note that I do have a wonderful support group. From my family (my mum, dad, and little brother) to my wonderful partner, Brett to various friends and relatives!! Without their support I know I could not have gotten through this or the last 6 months!!!


If you are looking to find out more about spina bifida, then please click on the links below -

Monday, March 14, 2011

Song of hurt/pain/breakup/down and out

I have no idea why I am writing this blog about my list of breakup/hurt songs for?

I think it could be simply because I have quite a bit of back pain right now and I am listening to this playlist right now - weird I know but I am over pain right now!

These are the songs I play when I feel down, hurt or have broken or dumped by someone.

Well without further, here is my list

  1. Left outside alone - Anatascia
  2. One of us - ABBA/A*teens
  3. The Call - Backstreet Boys
  4. These Days - Bardot
  5. Sorry seems to be the hardest thing to say - Blue/Elton John
  6. Stronger - Britney Spears/Glee Cast
  7. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera
  8. Heartbreak (Make me a dancer) - Freemasons feat Sophie Ellis-Bextor
  9. He Don’t love you - Human Nature
  10. Don’t wanna let you go - Five
  11. Over you - Sophie Ellis-Bextor
  12. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Glee Cast
  13. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga or Glee Cast
  14. Half a heart - H & Claire
  15. The Letter - Hoobastank feat Vanessa Amorosi
  16. Sorry - Madonna
  17. If I never see your face again - Maroon 5 feat Rhinnana
  18. Wake up call - Maroon 5
  19. So What - P!nk
  20. Lonely no more - Rob Thomas
  21. I never liked you - Rogue Traders
  22. Have you ever - S Club 7
  23. Be that way - Scandal’us
  24. I can’t decide - Scissor Sisters
  25. Kiss you off - Scissor Sisters
  26. Who do you think you are - Spice Girls
  27. Hard to say I’m sorry - Westlife
  28. My Turn - Yehonathan
  29. Who do you think you are - Spice Girls
  30. What about us - John Barrowman

Well there is my list. I know there are some weird song, but this is my playlist when I am feeing down and out of it!

I would like to also hear what songs you think or are great hurt, down and out of luck or breakup songs?